The Tentacled Monkey

Tuesday the International Cuttlefish Society (ISC) was implicated in a massive money laundering and tax evasion scheme that touched virtually every government in Europe. Sources say that the ISC had worked in coordination with various crime lords of Ukraine and Russia in an attempt to launder billions of dollars through local European aquariums and zoos in exchange for cooperation during what it described as the "end of all ends, the day His Worshipful Death would arise from his eternal slumber."

Apparently, the ISC was merely a cover for some sort of underworld cult hell bent on world destruction, but as of yet we have been unable to tie them with any particular religious order. Some have said that they are a front for a fictional group known as the Cult of Cthulhu based on the writings of H.P. Lovecraft, but that cannot be confirmed.

The ISC was laundering money for the gangsters by funneling it through various aquariums and zoos as bloated charges for cuttlefish, cuttlefish care, and supplies. Since the ISC possesses a basic monopoly on cuttlefish breeding programs and cuttlefish skin harvesting, used by scientists, everyone attributed the gross increases to the global recession.

Representatives from the ISC were unreachable for comment, but followers and members world wide have been seen wearing tentacled masks and sporting large ceremonial daggers. 

"Some people are getting nervous," said an aquarium worker that wishes to remain anonymous, "cuttlefish are starting to disappear. And those people are everywhere!" Reporters for Al-Jazeera cornered one masked man who screamed, "Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!" before the reporter, cameraman, and producer were all stabbed to death and their bodies dragged off. The same phrase has turned up at several aquariums in the Mediterranean region, especially in Spain and Greece, painted in blood near entrances.

In a seemingly unrelated issue, thousands of ocean geologists are baffled by the apparent appearance of a previously uncharted island in the Pacific basin. The island evidently has what can only be described as non-euclidean buildings intact. Some are calling this the lost Atlantis, and many are making the pilgrimage there now.